It's a beautiful night.
We're looking for something dumb to do.
Oh baby,
I think I wanna marry you.


It's gonna be tough.
The more I think about it,
the tougher it gets.
The bigger the challenge becomes.
But i'm willing to accept.

Why?

Cause.
It's a crazy thing called love.

Honestly speaking,
I didn't understand it at first.
The whole thought of 'love'.

Not family love. 
Not friends.

Lovers.

Funnily enough,
I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of marrying a prince charming,
or looking for the perfect man to be with,
and well.
Marry him.

It seemed unreal to me.
Maybe because of what I've seen through my eyes,
I guess the thought of love seemed,
outrageous.

Not that I thought it was a bad thing.

Just,
strange.

 

I always thought to myself,

just take your time.

You'll get there.

Despite that,

the older I get, the more cynical I become towards love.

 

And I couldn't comprehend it.
Frankly, up till now even.
I'm still not sure,

how I can describe it?

 

It's a feeling.

Or feelings.

Connections.

And..

Everything.

 

Every single day,

I count myself lucky.

How lucky I am,

to be with someone like him.
 

Immensely lucky.

 

And really,

I'm in love.

 

He's my main source of happiness.

And maybe even,

one of the only sources of happiness.

 

I admit.

I am secretly quite a romantic at heart.

Which I find absolutely hilarious myself but,
yeah.

Funnily enough, I love romance.

In a serious kind of way.

 

Not the mushy,

honey bun,koochy bear,cuddly woo,

or nonsense people love to come up with.

 

And I am so lucky,

to have hit the jackpot.

 

I'm in love.

 

 

 
Fuck.
FUcking hell.
Who im i kidding?
of course it fucking hurts.
im not fucking okay.

how is being depressed everyday normal?
my mind is so fucked up right now.
i cant think straight.
the deeper i go,
the less i can leave,
and the more dependent i get.

what the fuck is wrong with me?
i hate expectations.
stupid bloody expectations.
why the fuck is there such thing?

it hurts.

like hell.
i cant fucking stand it.
my heart.
its so fucking heavy.
i hate disspointment.

i feel like killing myself right now.

hahaha.
i'm so weak.
inferior.
it fucking hurts.

why cant i think straight?
why cant
i just be
back to how i was?

oh i now why.
i opened myself up.
not fully,but slowly.
and its killing me.

cause now i have no protective mechanism.
wow.
it hurts.
so bad.

im still lying though.
my feelings are my biggest lies.

it hurts.
im not okay.
at all.

but i dont know.
why i cant just say it.

i need a shoulder to cry on.
i just wanna
cry it all out
with someone
actually there.

im so tired.
im so fucking mentally tired.

this is driving me fucking insane.
i need some rest.
i need my mind
to take a trip somewhere else.

i need to stop thiking.
just for once,
stop fucking thinking.

nghh.
i cant stop crying.
it wont stop.
why wont it stop?

please.
it hurts.
 

 
You look ugly when you cry.

I should stop breaking down.

Fuck.
Stand tall,and stay alright.
 

 
I'm going fucking insane.

Can I really handle this?

 
My heart.
It's getting heavy again.
Negativity.
The pressure.
Frustration.
Doubt.
Sadness.
Guilt.

Why?
What's the point?
Going through all the shit.
Respect.
Laws.
Boundaries.

So much work.

So much heartache.

I'm weak.
Haha.
Honestly,
I can't stand pressure.

Either I stand there,
not saying anything
or.

Well. 
the other option is rare.
Lashing out and protecting myself is rare.
Why?

I'm not sure.
Probably because i was brought up like that.

"I just need something that'll take me away"

I'm so tired.
Now that I think about it.
What's the point?

In the whole relationship?
The scars.
Aches.

The complications.
The vast lifetime of opportunities that'll never be reached,
because of set boundaries,
rules and laws.
That we stick by to keep up
our reputation and respect.

No I understand perfectly.
Which means I've just grown up too fast.
Or maybe I should have been born
and anti social prick.

Would have been easier for you guys right?
Hahah.

The pressure's getting to me.
But I can't seem to mention it.
Now i'm wondering why.

Probably because I don't want to lose something.
It's becoming precious.
It's warm.
It's welcoming.
It's unreal.

but it's there.
And i don't want to let it go.
But the closer i get to it,
the more worried I become.

Wasn't this supposed to be
go with flow?
Why do we do this to ourselves?

I mean. Yeah.
I wanna be serious but.
No,not till it's..
till the pressure feel like it's about to crush me,
and the world feels like it's 
crumbling beneath my feet.

Dramatic huh?

I don't think it's that dramatic.
Really.
But the amount of emotions,
and feelings stored in me,
Just won't come out.

They come out,
little by little,
more and more,
they multiply,
with each waking step of stress
and 
ache.

Calm before the storm as they say.

Ill keep going.
Because I can't let it go.
It's so 
unreal.
And that's scary.
But it's there,
and I know with the deepest of my heart,
I will regret,
if I do something I really don't want to do,
but think it's rational.

I'm keeping you.

TIght in my hold.

And hopefully.

The obstacles won't stand in my way.

 
I can't hold it back.
It's collapsing.
Fast.
And strong.
It's an oncoming tidal wave of fears,
sadness,
insecurity,
everything,
just puring out.
I can't hold it in.

I really can't.
Why?

it's out of the bag.
I have nothing to fear.
Do i?

So why do i feel this.
This weird,
scary feeling.
Like i might lose something.

Something that may be precious to me,
very soon.

I'm scared.
Frigthened maybe.
These tears,
stains,
are proof.

Of the feelings I've conjured up,
These walls are breaking.
THe flood gates are opening.
And they won't stop till I let them out.

I will let them out.
Here and now.
No where else.
it's too risky.

It hurts.
Please,
don't let me fall back into that dark abyss again.

 
Seriously,
and frankly speaking.
I'm tired of hiding.
I'm tired of things.
I'm tired of these things with tags called
secrets.

I'm tired of that immense,powerful guilt.
That engulfs me completely
and overpowers me 
into a heavier and depressed state
of mind
and heart.

I can't fucking stand it.
I don't want to hide things.

I hate that feeling
of wanting to cry out so bad,
to call out for help,
and to just hold back,
and stay strong
like you always do.

Stay strong.

Like you always do.

WHy can't I just walk away?
Turn my back against the whole world and,
walk away.
Know why?

Because I care.
I care too fucking much.
Don't make such a fucking big deal.
I care
I care for what's it called.
Family.
Friends.
I just CARE.

This guilt
and repressed feelings,
the lies,
the corrupted thoughts i hold,
the supressed desires of madness,
it'll overwhelm me,
sooner or later.

I know it.

And i just wanna let it out so bad.

I didn't mean too.

I didn't want to keep it in.
It's not that I didn't want to fill people in.
It's just that i felt like i couldn'.
i wanted to see how it went,
And if it went good,
i would say.

The peer pressure,
the constant thought to impress,
the fear f losing,
it stops me.
from just saying something i'd
like to say.

please.
give me some time.
I'll sort it out.

I am strong.
ANd it's not built on a foundation of fear,
or lack of conscious or insecurity.
I have that strength.

But i have an immense amount of downfalls.
Don't look down on me,
just for those.

And truthfully,
i knwo they won't.
But I myself,
will look at myself this way.

Hahaha.

Life goes on.

 
t's happening again.
that lump of doubt,
fear,
love of freedom
and commitment phobia is re arising again.

i hate this.
i hate the fact that,
i want to be serious,
so much.
i want to have somebody to love.
but i still want,
to have my own life.

it's so frustrating.

can i come to terms?

can i ask that person,
is it alright,
if i'm not there sometimes?

no it's not.
it's unfair.

i want to be free.

but then again.

I'm lonely.
i'm so fucking lonely,
i'm at the deepest abyss of the world,
and i just can't get out of it,
without somebody else by my side.

i need a manual.
some kind of guide book,
to tell me the shit i should do.

but doesn't everyone?

i can't breathe.
my hands a re trembling as i type.
my mind is clouded,
i'm re evaluating life.

i'm 17 for fucks sake.

but i guess age doesnt matter anymore does it.

i'm frustrated.
i'm scared.

i don't want to make future promises.
i will be serious,
but no.
no future promises.
no thinking too far ahead.

it's scary.

some people do it.
cause they've crossed that part of life where,
okay now this is where i go this is how its going to be.

i cant do that.
and i definitely cant do it with someone else at hand.

i dont want to let him go.
but then what im i suppsoed to do?

it's such a perfect opportunity.
my heart feels heavy.
its deep,and heavy set.
bound to laws that ive made for myself,
through past words that ive mumbled over a phone call.
i wish i never said those words.
its like a jinx that will never go away,
till i finally break free from it
on my very own strength.

fucking hell.
fuck.
fuck the world.
fuck myself.

my mind
so
corrupted
full of lies
FUCKFUKCUKCUFKUFKCUKFUC

WHY CANT YOU FUCKING DECIDE?
TAKE THE FUCKING CHANCE.
HE'S RIGHT THERE.

but i dont want to hurt him
i dont want to left alone.

what i'm i supposed to do?
 

 That ache is still there.
Now.


That's what i wrote last time.
And no actually,i don't remember what it was for.
Maybe cause i'm feeling better.
waaay better actually.

but scared at the same time.
i'm scared to approach it,
but i want it even faster.

but i'm not going to mention it,
because it's pure taboo.
really.

this time i'm gonna make it work.
i'm going to give it try.

i've just been so tired of being alone.
and unaccounted for?

but suddenly,
my spirits have lifted/
just because of one person.
i'm scared.
but excited.

i'm actually kind of
glad.
and happy.
but no,i don't want to jump to conclusions.

no dreams,
no future predictions.
i want this to go,
how it's supposed to go.
and no,i won't run away.

please don't run away from me either.
i'm scared shitless,
and ecstatic at the same time.

i'm practically mindfucked.
i'm not sure what's going on.

but i know for sure that things may be looking up.
but i don't wanna jinx that chance either.

haruki murakami is amazing.
i am astounded at what he writes,
how he conjures up a story,
and seemingly makes it out of this world,
but reality at the same time.

i feel weird.
maybe lost.
sad?
not so much.
lost.
no direction.
my head's in the clouds.
i'm nto sure what's what anymore.

this is something that defintely murakami could put into words.
i'm sure.

but one thing's for sure,
i have no idea what i'm feeling right now.

stoned.
that could be it.
confused maybe?
i feel like thinking.
a lot.
but i don't know on what.
that's what his book did to me.

No,it's not a bad thing.
Neither is it good.

Strange,strange,strange.

there's a word.
there's a word to what i'm feeling right now.
what is it?
i'm trying to think of it and i can't.
let's think.

Blank?
Contemplative?
Numb?

No no i got it.
Indescribable.

i feel like i need to get away from the world again.
but i don't want to at the same time.

but however so,
i hope the year gets better from now on.

 

 I felt great last night.
Playing and performing in front of a stage
makes you forget about everything else.

Sometimes its incredibly nerve wrecking
and yeah
i dont like that type of nerve.

but this time,
it was enjoyable.
maybe because it was more intimate with the audience,
but i felt great
for once.

eventhough i screwed up quite a lot,haha.

but suddenly
when i wake up the next morning,
reality comes crashing down on me,
and i still feel that 
empty ache in my heart.

that i cant express through words
but through tears.

i wanna cry so bad but,
i don't want to at the same time.

don't cry for him.
its not worth it.
but every single time someone bails on me,
thats what i say.

hahah.

i wanna escape.
escape this stupid facade ive been putting on.
this trap that im stuck in.

i need to get out of it fast.
so that
ill become a better
and stronger woman.

it hurts.
really bad.
really.

i wont be emotionally scarred but
it's the moment we live for isn't it?

"waiting is painful.
Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is suffering."

how could you have my heart so twisted?
why can't i just fucking let you go.

i need to find someone else.

but this time not run away.

there's this huge gap in my heart i can't seem to fill
by myself.